'... will somebody please assure me that the prize I'm holding in my hands is not a 'DUCK'! 

This is a useful speech because it can be as long, or as short, as you want it to be. You see, it's made up of three inter-linked amusing little stories about what happened you when you were out on the green. 
For example ... 'at the ninth I observed a very curious sight... very curious indeed. There in front of me was a lady holding a live duck in her arms. Now normally, I have a rule that when you are approaching the ninth hole you should concentrate carefully on your game and not get mislead into talking to strange ladies with ducks...' 

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